Wednesday, 30 October 2013

The Gay Porn GIFs and HIV

Hello! It's been a long time since my last post and  I just want you to know that I'm doing fine. It's going to be my third CD4 test tomorrow and I am not too excited about it. I don't know. It was not just like the feeling of my first and or second test I had. I'm just hoping that everything would be as fine as before. I'm rooting for more than 600 this time. Right. I should stop. There's nothing much to talk about myself for the past few months. 

Anyway, I found some cool .gifs over the internet that I cannot miss posting to my blog. This is a little bit different from the old posts but naaaa... I'm not gonna spoil any longer. This is too random. They're not cohesive at all.

1. When you ask for CF1 from the HR and the HR personnel asked what it is for

2. When you call a hot nurse to refill your meds

3. When you cannot increase your CD4 cells

4. Making a new cool friend

5.  When you're having a burning sensation from the Efavirenz

6.  Remembering you have meds to take you didn't take

7.  When you finally understand your doctor about HIV stuff

8.  When that itch on skin attacks

9. And when you get that itch that has been bothering you

10.  When you're wishing  for continued increase of CD4

11. When the nurse injects the syringe in your arm

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Highlights Of The First Six Months Living With HIV

***1ST MONTH***

Opening the confirmatory HIV result

Keeps asking "WHY ME??!?"

Over thinking of health status

Fucking scared I want to kill myself

When people around talks about "HIV" or "AIDS" and I'm like

and the conversation never ends you feel like walking out

***2ND MONTH***

More thinking...

Feeling alone

Wishing on bumping with my infector, and he'll suffer the consequences

Akward moment when HIV related thing comes up on TV while your mom is in the same room

Trying to look sexy while smiling:



When your friends start looking through your stuff they might find out your meds

***3RD MONTH***

No more worries, just waking up everyday like a normal person

Joined poz twitter: Selecting the right twitter handle but

Felt like "Okay. I am not alone!!!"

Gaining friends from hub and Twitter

Same side effects of efav tho...

Trying to look okay while the side effects of Efavirenz is still in place

***4TH MONTH***

Getting memories of how I got infected with HIV

Walked in on someone I've known before at the hub.. Oops!

When a person on Twitter posted info that could be accessed by people outside the poz world

When people say bad things about people living with HIV

***5TH MONTH***

Getting nervous on next month's CD4 counting

Another major depression

Accidentally posted HIV related stuff on my original Twitter

Falling in love with a poz; FRIENDZONED

Someone I don't know said hi to me at the hub and I went like

 and when he left I was like

Also, checked my bag only to find out I left medicines at home

***6TH MONTH***

CD4 went up from 196 to 454 and I was like "what?"

Then I was like

Poz friends congratulating me

People asking what I did to raise CD4 that fast

I really felt like hugging a partner

But suddenly remembering I don't have one. Forever alone.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

World AIDS Day: What It Means To Me

It's already 6:06 PM Manila time, I know that I could have posted earlier in tribute to World AIDS Day but the I've been busy sleeping all day. I mean, ALL DAY! That means I just realized that I should be doing a quick tribute to a special day for us but this is not an obligatory post.

Today is World AIDS Day and today's post is a quick recap of what I've been to for the past 2 months after HIV diagnosis.




I can still remember the day when I was diagnosed with HIV gave me a mini heart attack opening the HIV result that turned out to be REACTIVE (and yes, in capital letters as if they were screaming at me rubbing it in my face). 

That very moment when the counselor told me what's happening, I thought 'no, you must be kidding me. I can't have this! Is this some sort of a reality show? This is not funny! Do. Not. Look. At. Me. That. Way! I AM NOT POSITIVE!!! JESUS, I AM GONNA BURN THIS CLINIC! NOT FAIR!!! FUCK YOU!' 

I wasn't shocked, really. Because I already knew that what I've done before would eventually lead on to this. It's like: 'Annie lighted up the candle and the candle glowed in the dark'. The idea is so simple that you can easily generate conclusion from a simple argument. However, I am in denial. That makes a big difference if you know what I mean. 'Annie lighted up the candle and the candle spew out water making it impossible to get burnt and so the candle is definitely invincible, no melting.'

Days later while browsing the internet, I found this documentary about HIV called 'House of Numbers'. Thanks to it that it gave me hope that the diagnosis might be somehow not true. I felt a little bit better. Chances that it is really the medical companies just want to generate money out of people who were randomly diagnosed positive. But later, I realized that it couldn't be. These are people just like me - in denial. That's my stand to the documentary though.


All those days of unending anxiousness, I'm getting easily infuriated even from a simple iTunes asking me to download the latest version of the software. 'Do you want to download the latest version of iTunes?'. No. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DOWNLOAD THE LATEST SOFTWARE WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!??!! WHY IS LIVER SPREAD DELICIOUS BUT THE LIVER ITSELF IS NOT??? I DON'T WANT TO TAKE MEDS FOREVER OKAY I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!!!

And things are getting clearer and clearer each day and it becomes more painful to accept that I do now belong to the people living with HIV. HIV was something that I thought I wouldn't get. Then it all boils down to tracing back the people I had sex with. I feel like murdering the entire human race  and simultaneously bursting into ugly tears that has got to mean something.

There is a huge need to put blame on someone. It's hard. Really hard. It's like finding a needle in a haystack. I actually swore to kill the guy who infected me (well, sometimes it still hit my thoughts).


I promise to be.. I swear to be.. If only I could have... I will devote my life into... I will be an advocate of... I will donate... These were usually the words that came up to at least give a chance to take back my old life. This is pretty explainable. There's this thought of "Dear scientists, I am HIV positive and I am submitting myself into all possible trials and observations. I will take the risk! Just turn me into an HIV negative person! Please!"


I feel like I am already worn out and very sick. I don't know what to do and how I would continue living like a normal person. I drank. I smoked. I didn't do drugs though. I have gone to church which is very surprising because for 5 years, I chose to be an atheist. I just don't know who to turn to. I don't know who to talk to. My first twitter post was "Can I talk to you? :(" It was devastating. I can't even sleep at night. I feel so unimportant. I feel neglected. I feel so ugly.

Things that I noticed in this stage:

Before: Waking up in the morning, I look like


Before: Flipping my hair


Before: Trying to act sexy


Before: When I cry:


Before: Laughing at camera


Well, I thought that I could easily run from it as easy as:

But then it's not like what I thought, it turned out to be:


In a real world, HIV doesn't need you to apologize for things you did not do or things you should have done or spend an ineffable amount of time on things you don’t fucking love, or stay with people who make you feel like shit no matter what they do and say.

They are just pretty virus. I can still live whether they are in me or not. Yes, regrets are considered. However, these virus stay with us forever. What to do now is to accept the reality that these virus are not going away. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to celebrate life. I learned how to be friend with it. No more fighting because fighting against it will just turn into hatred. More hatred, the lower the hope. 

Now, whenever someone compliments me even on simple things like being good at work, or being a good friend, or being optimistic, or being a beautiful person, I always acknowledge and strut like


Today is the day of my 6th blog post. Today is my 2nd month 5th day of my diagnosis. Today, I am still alive. Today is World AIDS Day. And today, I'll be celebrating life.

#NonCohesiveAtSomeParts but yeah, IRDC