Today is World AIDS Day and today's post is a quick recap of what I've been to for the past 2 months after HIV diagnosis.
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THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
DENIAL
I can still remember the day when I was diagnosed with HIV gave me a mini heart attack opening the HIV result that turned out to be REACTIVE (and yes, in capital letters as if they were screaming at me rubbing it in my face).
That very moment when the counselor told me what's happening, I thought 'no, you must be kidding me. I can't have this! Is this some sort of a reality show? This is not funny! Do. Not. Look. At. Me. That. Way! I AM NOT POSITIVE!!! JESUS, I AM GONNA BURN THIS CLINIC! NOT FAIR!!! FUCK YOU!'
I wasn't shocked, really. Because I already knew that what I've done before would eventually lead on to this. It's like: 'Annie lighted up the candle and the candle glowed in the dark'. The idea is so simple that you can easily generate conclusion from a simple argument. However, I am in denial. That makes a big difference if you know what I mean. 'Annie lighted up the candle and the candle spew out water making it impossible to get burnt and so the candle is definitely invincible, no melting.'
Days later while browsing the internet, I found this documentary about HIV called 'House of Numbers'. Thanks to it that it gave me hope that the diagnosis might be somehow not true. I felt a little bit better. Chances that it is really the medical companies just want to generate money out of people who were randomly diagnosed positive. But later, I realized that it couldn't be. These are people just like me - in denial. That's my stand to the documentary though.
ANGER
All those days of unending anxiousness, I'm getting easily infuriated even from a simple iTunes asking me to download the latest version of the software. 'Do you want to download the latest version of iTunes?'. No. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DOWNLOAD THE LATEST SOFTWARE WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!??!! WHY IS LIVER SPREAD DELICIOUS BUT THE LIVER ITSELF IS NOT??? I DON'T WANT TO TAKE MEDS FOREVER OKAY I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE!!!
And things are getting clearer and clearer each day and it becomes more painful to accept that I do now belong to the people living with HIV. HIV was something that I thought I wouldn't get. Then it all boils down to tracing back the people I had sex with. I feel like murdering the entire human race and simultaneously bursting into ugly tears that has got to mean something.
There is a huge need to put blame on someone. It's hard. Really hard. It's like finding a needle in a haystack. I actually swore to kill the guy who infected me (well, sometimes it still hit my thoughts).
BARGAINING
I promise to be.. I swear to be.. If only I could have... I will devote my life into... I will be an advocate of... I will donate... These were usually the words that came up to at least give a chance to take back my old life. This is pretty explainable. There's this thought of "Dear scientists, I am HIV positive and I am submitting myself into all possible trials and observations. I will take the risk! Just turn me into an HIV negative person! Please!"
DEPRESSION
I feel like I am already worn out and very sick. I don't know what to do and how I would continue living like a normal person. I drank. I smoked. I didn't do drugs though. I have gone to church which is very surprising because for 5 years, I chose to be an atheist. I just don't know who to turn to. I don't know who to talk to. My first twitter post was "Can I talk to you? :(" It was devastating. I can't even sleep at night. I feel so unimportant. I feel neglected. I feel so ugly.
Things that I noticed in this stage:
Before: Waking up in the morning, I look like
After:
Before: Flipping my hair
After:
Before: Trying to act sexy
After:
Before: When I cry:
After:
Before: Laughing at camera
After:
Well, I thought that I could easily run from it as easy as:
But then it's not like what I thought, it turned out to be:
ACCEPTANCE
In a real world, HIV doesn't need you to apologize for things you did not do or things you should have done or spend an ineffable amount of time on things you don’t fucking love, or stay with people who make you feel like shit no matter what they do and say.
They are just pretty virus. I can still live whether they are in me or not. Yes, regrets are considered. However, these virus stay with us forever. What to do now is to accept the reality that these virus are not going away. I learned how to forgive. I learned how to celebrate life. I learned how to be friend with it. No more fighting because fighting against it will just turn into hatred. More hatred, the lower the hope.
Now, whenever someone compliments me even on simple things like being good at work, or being a good friend, or being optimistic, or being a beautiful person, I always acknowledge and strut like
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Today is the day of my 6th blog post. Today is my 2nd month 5th day of my diagnosis. Today, I am still alive. Today is World AIDS Day. And today, I'll be celebrating life.
#NonCohesiveAtSomeParts but yeah, IRDC
#WillJustEditLaterBecauseI'mInARush
